Beyond the Orchard Wall
by JestaAriadne
Summary: Hermione and Ron want to go on a romantic midnight stroll. However, what with Harry, headbanging, and a certain other happy couple, things go... wrong...


Beyond the Orchard Wall

By JestaAriadne July 2002

I don't own the Harry Potter characters or Hogwarts castle, except for the orchard and the little garden which I just made up...  
I do own this story. (My first finished HP fic, would you believe it...)

A nice light, silly, quickie story. Don't take it too seriously!!  
Hermione and Ron are already pretty much "together" in this.  
Um... sorry that Harry is so... dim... in this story, if anyone's offended by that.... Inspired partly by Norbert for President's writings which rather veer that way... :) And Ron isn't the brightest guy in this either...  
And I guess I should apologize for the horrendously out of character antics of certain professors, but I won't cos it was very satisfying to write!

~ * ~

"AAAH!" yelled Ron Weasley, sitting up in bed and almost hitting his head on canopy. "What the- ? Oh - Hermi-"

"Sssshh!!" hissed Hermione, clapping one hand over his mouth and hiding her candle with the other one.

But it was too late.

"Hey - what's going on?" asked Harry Potter in a wonderfully theatrical stage-whisper.

Ron yawned quite convincingly. "Oh nothing... I just had a dream about... um.... um... Percy!"

"What?"

"With... um..." Ron continued desperately, "a... chain saw! Yeah... And um... Mr Crouch!"

"He's dead, Ron," intoned Harry.

"It was a _dream, _Harry," countered Ron. "And... it was... really- scary!"

"Oh alright... Hey - what's that?" His gaze had fallen on the rather obvious crouched figure by Ron's bed.

It muttered: "Oh - shoot!"

"Hermione!!!" Harry yelled, loud enough to wake the Seven Sleepers, but apparently not loud enough to wake the rest of his amazingly deaf dormitory. "What are you doing in here?"

Hermione had already come up with an excuse, albeit a slightly... pathetic... one. "I came in because I heard Ron scream. To... cheer him up."

"You heard him all the way from the other tower?" asked Harry, demonstrating a truly amazing feat of logic (for him), although he did not stop to wonder how she'd crossed that distance in less than a second. Presumably he assumed she'd Apparated...

"Um... yes."

"No you didn't." Harry's eyes took in the detail that both of them were wearing black robes over their pyjamas.

The other two exchanged desperate glances.

"No... she didn't," agreed Ron at last.

"So..."

"OK," said Hermione, sighing. "We... um, didn't like to worry you, but..." Hermione left a tactfully dramatic pause as she scrambled about in her brain for a plausible - or at least a believable-by-Harry - idea. "We were... told by a man ... in the Three Broomsticks last weekend about this um secret place in Hogwarts. And we thought we should check it out, what with, you know... all the rumours."

"Rumours?" asked Harry, "What rumours?"

"You know," said Ron, catching on, "_the rumours._"

"Oh..." said Harry, forcing an expression of comprehension onto his face, "_those _rumours."

"But, Harry, we'll be fine by ourselves," pressed Hermione, trying to tuck Harry back into bed and encountering the obvious difficulty that he wasn't actually _in _his bed. "You need to get some sleep."

"Don't you?"

"Well, yes, but not as much as you do, Harry..."

"Why?"

"Well," said Ron, "well, you know..."

"Yeah," Hermione nodded and tried to look sympathetic, concerned and omniscient at the same time. "Especially since... _you _know..."

"Yeah..." said Harry, "I know what you mean. But - um, don't worry about me! This is much more important - or it could be!"

He leapt dramatically out of bed and grabbed his glasses. Then he took up his winter cloak and put it on, turning sideways for maximum swirliness.

Ron looked helplessly at Hermione. She raised her eyebrows and looked resigned. 

"I'll work something out..." she murmured to him as the three of them disappeared under the invisibility cloak she'd "borrowed" from Harry.

~*~

"Where is this place anyway?" asked Harry in a whisper, once they had climbed out of the pre-prepared window into the castle grounds.

"Just beyond the orchard," Hermione said in her normal voice.

"Orchard?" exclaimed Harry, "I didn't know there was an orchard."

Ron could only feel inclined to mutter, "Well now you do," and glower. It was dark, so Harry didn't see this, and Harry wasn't listening, so he didn't hear either.

Just beyond the orchard' there was a stone wall. Ron looked at it and then at Hermione, apparently expecting something. Then he looked at Harry and rolled his eyes.

"So now what?" asked Harry.

"So... now we... find a way through this wall," said Hermione.

"Whadya mean find a way through?' We just -" hissed Ron, and then shut up when Hermione stepped on his foot.

"Oh, sorry Ron!" she exclaimed, sounding very genuine, then explained to Harry, "Well... it's obviously a magic wall, isn't it?"

Expressions of "oh yes, _obviously!_" surfaced quickly on both the boys' faces. But it was dark, so no one saw.

"So..." continued Hermione, making a careful examination of the wall, "All we need to do, is find out how to get through. I think it might be like Diagon Alley, or maybe like the train station... a brick to press, or a section to lean on or something..."

"Leave this to me!!" Harry Potter stepped forward, his glasses flashing in the light of the full moon, his own shadow making him look smaller and less heroic than ever.

He began to bang his head systematically on each brick of the wall.

"Er- Harry..." began Ron, "Are you _quite _sure this is the best way to test for magic doorways?"

Hermione sighed loudly as Harry moved onto the next bit of wall and banged his head on it. "Harry, you do know you lose braincells every time you do that?" (A/N: Ah... so now we know...)

Harry ceased the head-banging for a second and looked up. "Huh? This is what I always do." (A/N: I guess this explains a lot...)

There was a mass sighing.

Then Ron started tapping his foot and looking pointedly at his wrist where his watch would be if he was wearing one. 

Hermione started wringing her hands. "Harry... Please just let me do it..."

"No," Harry insisted. "Just a few more bricks left to test!"

The other too looked, unimpressed, at the 10 metres of remaining wall.

"But-" said Hermione, "What if it isn't as simple as just pushing one brick? What if it's a combination, or - or a password, or - something...?"

Harry did not answer and continued.

Ron gave Hermione a pleading look. "Do something!" he hissed.

Hermione looked around her and then pulled out her wand.

"OK... Harry... I'm really, really sorry about this."

"Wait a minute!" yelled Harry, suddenly panicking and jumping away from the wall. "Isn't that what you said to Neville - before-"

"Um... yes..." muttered Hermione, and then quickly yelled: "Petrificus Totalus!"

Ron caught him before Harry did any more damage to his head and manoeuvred him so he was lying fairly comfortably on his robes, thoughtfully placing him in the shelter of a tree, facing away from them.

"OK!" said Hermione, greatly relieved. "I thought we'd never get rid of him!" 

Deftly, she conjured up a ladder and she and Ron climbed over the wall.

~*~

"At _last!_" said Ron, once they were safely over the wall. The place was perfect for moonlit romancing; complete in every clichéd detail from the weeping willows drooping into the small stream on one side to the ornate white bench, luminescent with moonlight and tree shadows.

"Can you believe our luck, though?" giggled Hermione. "I mean, we must have done this at least ten times by now, and he's only woken up this once!"

Automatically, their arms slipped around each other's waists and they walked slowly towards the bench.

"I do feel just a _little _guilty about leaving Harry like that," murmured Hermione as they sat down.

"Yeah..." said Ron. "Still, he did insist on coming along. Eh, d'you know any good memory charms?"

"Silly!" Hermione tousled his hair playfully, and they lapsed into comfortable silence.

"Full moon and everything..." she whispered, and then started sing, softly and quite off-key: "_Isn't it romantic? Music in the night..._"

Ron leaned forward to kiss her, and she shut up.

Just as they were starting to really enjoy it, Hermione suddenly pulled away and put a finger to her lips, at the same time as grabbing the invisibility cloak and throwing it over them.

"What is it?" asked Ron in a whisper.

"Shh!"

Then he heard it too: a high, unnatural sounding female giggle from the other side of the wall. 

Then someone said: "Oh, Sevvie, isn't the moon romantic?"

"I thought you'd appreciate it," came an answering voice, sounding very pleased with himself, "and you get a great view from here."

"Oh, thank you, you're always so considerate! Mmmm!"

"Anything to make you smile, Minnie."

"_Minnie??_" squeaked Hermione, "That's not - is it??"

Ron felt like he was going to be sick.

Then the lovers' conversation took a turn most decidedly for the worse.

"Oh, I say! What on earth is that?" came the sharp voice of Minnie'.

"Where?"

"Here, under this tree. Oh my goodness - it's Potter! In - what looks like - a full body bind! And a good one if I ever saw one..."

Severus Snape had stopped listening. He sniffed the air loudly. "_Potter,_" he whispered.

"Yes... it's Potter. Rather undeniably so, I'd say," said Professor McGonagall tightly, sounding for a moment reassuring like herself.

Snape seemed to take a moment to recover himself. "Yes. Well. Never mind. We'll deal with him in the morning. I'll just set him to rights and we'll send him straight back to the castle."

Snape muttered something and there was a little "pop".

"You heard that, Potter? Get straight back to the castle," ordered McGonagall.

"Y-yes, professor," stammered Harry and started running. Then he stopped, probably because Snape had grabbed his cloak. 

"And if you _dare_ to tell anyone - anything!" he seethed, "- then you will be _expelled _for sure this time!" He breathed heavily for a moment - through his nose, thus performing a good impression of a hybrid of a pig and Darth Vader - "I don't think the Gryffindor head would be at all disposed to dispute my decision in this case."

"Yes, professor!" said Harry again, and ran.

Professor McGonagall giggled again, and Ron had the sudden urge to scream. "Where is it that you're taking me, Sevvie?" she asked.

"Just over this wall... there's a lovely little spot here, so I've heard."

This time, Ron had to clap his hand over his mouth to stop himself from screaming. Hermione, hands shaking, adjusted the invisibility cloak so it covered both of them completely.

"What do we do now??" a panic-stricken Ron whisper-screamed.

"I don't know!"

"Let's get off this bench, quick!"

But as they scrambled sideways, they saw two heads appear over the top of the wall.

"No time now!" Hermione sounded, if possible, even more panicked than she usually did when faced with the threat of Getting Into Trouble. Understandable, really.

"Hermione! The cloak! I can see your foot!"

Just in time, Hermione tucked her foot onto the bench and safely out of sight.

"Oh!" exclaimed Minerva McGonagall in that painful squeal. Ron and Hermione winced. "What a _darling _place!"

"Shall we sit down, my dear?" asked Snape.

"Alright...." Even in the moonlight, Ron and Hermione could she Professor McGonagall batting her eyelashes behind her glasses. It was a rather disconcerting sight. It was also the least of their worries, as the unlikely pair walked closer to the bench.

Ron's whole leg was going to sleep from Hermione sitting on it as the two huddled as close to one end of the bench as they could.

__

This is it! thought Hermione. _We're doomed!_

She found herself watching the approaching feet rather than anything else. A pair of black lace-ups and two lime green fluffy slippers (Snape's) advanced on them. _OK, we really are doomed._

Then: "Oh!! A weeping willow! How very picturesque! Why, I can't believe I've never been here before! _Do _let's have a look!"

Snape gave the smallest of sighs and, arm in arm, they made their way to the tree.

Ron slowly let out the breath he had been holding for the last minute. "Quick! Let's get out of here!"

"We can't!" Hermione said in a strangled whisper. "I think the cloak's stuck on something... if I move, I'll be visible!"

"We've got to try it!" Ron hissed back. C'mon!"

"Ron! No!!" Hermione started, desperately trying to grab the end of his robe.

But - "Ronald Weasley!" came the banana-skin-slippery voice of Severus Snape at the same time as another voice said: "Aah! W-Weasley!"

The rest of the cloak slipped off Ron's back and he stood still.

Professor McGonagall had regained some composure, though she still looked a bit flushed, and managed a tone that was world-weary, strict and threatening all at once. "Mr Weasley, I suppose it would be too much to ask you to explain just what you are doing?"

The simple answer "yes, it would," immediately presented itself for consideration in Ron's brain, but was rejected by the part that wanted to stay alive for the next few minutes. "I was..." he began slowly, "taking a walk."

"At night?" asked McGonagall.

"...Yes..." said Ron, thinking that was fairly obvious.

"Here?" asked Snape.

"...Yes..." said Ron, thinking that was really quite clear too.

"Alone?" asked McGonagall.

"...Yes..." said Ron.

"Why?" asked Snape.

"Because..." said Ron, "The... moon... is full tonight." He paused. "And... Venus... is in the... fifth house. Therefore..." He paused again. "A good night for midnight walks... because the element of water... reflects the moon... bringing... good... luck... And... good... luck... in love... because of... Venus... symbolising... love..."

Underneath the cloak, Hermione buried her head in her hands.

"I'm glad to hear you take such an interest in Astronomy and Divination," said McGonagall dryly.

"...Yes..." said Ron.

"Well then," said Snape, not sounding at all as if anything was well', "Now that you've got your... good luck..." His thin lips twisted, "You had better get along back to bed before you get something more unpleasant."

Ron stared up at the moon for a second in confusion. He blinked. "Um," he said.

"Well boy, chop chop!"

"Um... OK."

Ron started towards the wall; with no idea of how he was planning to get over it, he suddenly realised, but Snape stopped him.

"Won't you be wanting your cloak?" he asked, pointedly grabbing a piece of it out of thin air.

"Um..." Ron's eyes flicked hastily around, perhaps looking for another cloak that might care to kindly present itself at that moment. "Um... no, thanks... I'll... just... leave it here! Bye!"

"Careless boy," muttered Snape, pulling the rest of the cloak away. 

Hermione cowered on the bench, not looking at all happy.

"Well, well!" said Snape in a tone of great surprise, at the same time as McGonagall said "M-Miss Granger!!" in a tone of actual surprise.

Ron made a valiant and stupid attempt at surprise too. "Oh! Hermione! Fancy seeing you here!"

Hermione drew her finger quickly across her throat and shook her head hard.

Snape's evil smile nearly cancelled out the effect of the slippers. He said: "I think you two lovebirds had better go back now. I will see you in my office straight after breakfast tomorrow."

Both Ron and Hermione had turned a funny colour somewhere between vermilion and magenta by now. Speechless, they started to walk away.

"And... Granger, Weasley... if you tell a soul about... Minnie and I... I can promise you you will get as many detentions as it is in our power to grant you."

Hermione's eyes widened. "But- why?"

"Why not?" sneered Snape.

Hermione's mouth dropped open too.

Then they ran.

As they were climbing back up Hermione's magic ladder, Ron had the misfortune to look back into the garden. 

Professors Snape and McGonagall were sitting on the bench, arms wrapped around each other, engaged in a passionate kiss.

~*~

That awful image didn't leave him as the two jogged across the castle lawns. 

"Hermione?" he panted, "_Do _you know any good memory charms?"

"I'm not going to bewitch a professor, Ron!"

"It's not for them!" he moaned, "It's for me!"

THE END

....er...yeah.... I wanted to write Harry Potter fic and felt silly. That's it. :) Review, please?


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